Kaleidoscope Magazine

“The sky’s not real.”

“It is too real,” I said.

“No, it’s not,” Runny Nose said, staring down at me.

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is,” I said. “See?” I held the piece of sky up to him.

“What’s that supposed to be?”

“It’s part of the sky.”

Runny Nose laughed.

He was an ugly boy. His eyes seemed too small for his face and his nose too big. It was always running too. That’s how he got his name. The boys used to throw hankies at him when he came around to make fun. But then he got big and angry, and they stopped. His laugh was ugly too. It was all high pitched and screechy. When I asked Ma why he sounded like that she said it’s how boys his age sound right before they become men. He sounded like a startled chicken. But he was older and bigger than me and I couldn’t help but look down at my feet when he laughed.

“That looks like a painted rock to me,” he said.

“No, it’s a part of the sky. My pa got it for me,” I said trying to look big.

“Your pa huh? You’re telling me your pa went to the surface?”

“Yeah, he did.”

“Yeah right.”

“He did,” I said, my voice growing louder. “He knows all about the surface.”

“Oh yeah? And what does he say?” He said grinning, showing his big yellow teeth.

“He says it goes on forever. You can walk for miles and miles, and it never stops.”

“Well clearly your pa doesn’t know nothing. The sky is just something they tell little boys like you to get you to shut up. He’s a miner, probably got too many damps in his brain to think straight.”

“No, he doesn’t. He went to school. He’s smart. Smarter than you for sure.”

“Yeah, well where is your pa then huh? Why doesn’t he come down here to tell us himself?”

My face got hot like I’d been running, and my palms got all sweaty as I held the sky tighter in my hands.

“He’s working,” I said looking straight at him.

“Really?” He kneeled down towards me and started talking real slow and quiet like I was little and couldn’t understand. “Cause I heard people talking. They’d been saying he’s been gone for a while. Too long of a while.” He paused before whispering, “They say the mines swallowed him up and just haven’t spit him out yet.”

I swung at him then, hitting him square in his nose. His nose was always runny, but now it ran red. He didn’t have a smile anymore. His face was all contorted like a rotten fruit. He came at me, and I tried to move away but before I could he pushed me to the ground and started to kick. He kicked and kicked, and it felt like burning coal hitting my stomach. I only noticed he stopped when everything got quiet. I didn’t look up; I felt too tired. I heard his footsteps on the ground as he turned to walk away.

“Take your stupid sky rock and don’t come around here again.”

I went home with dirt and blood scraped on my face and an aching stomach. I gripped the sky in my hand. I noticed it had a trace of red on it now. Got to wash it, I thought.

Ma knew when I came in. I don’t know how. She just always could tell when I did something.

“Where were you?” she said, standing by the stove cooking. Sissy was on the ground next to her, a spoon in her mouth.

“Just with some of the boys.”

“You were supposed to be here helping with dinner an hour ago.” she said, looking at me.

“I’m sorry. I forgot.” I said, trying to keep my face from the light.

She must have seen something because her eyebrows curled, and she turned her head to the side like a pup. “Look at me.” She said walking closer.

I kept my head down.

“Look at me.”

I turned my head up slowly and I watched as my Ma’s eyes widened.

“What happened?” she said. She came towards me and knelt.

“Nothing.”

“This is nothing.” She said, grabbing my face, and turning it toward her. It stung a bit.

“I just got in a scrap with an older boy. It was really nothing.”

“What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything”

She just kept looking at me.

“One of the boys was talking bad about Pa so I hit him.”

She sighed, standing up. “You can’t be doing that.”

“But-”

“No buts.” she said, walking back over to the stove. She grabbed a towel and put it under the sink.

“So, I can’t say anything.”

“No, I didn’t say that. You just can’t be hitting someone when they make you mad. That’s no way to go through life.” She came over and patted my face with the towel.

“He called him stupid. Said he had damps in his head.”

“Those boys don’t know anything about your pa. You shouldn’t mind what they say.” she said walking back to the stove. “What were you talking about in the first place?”

“Just about things.”

She began to stir the veggies.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“What are you holding then?” She always knew.

“Nothing.”

“Open your hand.”

“But…”

“Open your hand.”

I opened my hand with the sky in it. Ma just stared at me.

“The boys were saying it wasn’t real, so I wanted to prove it to him…”

“I told you not to talk about that. Or take that stone around.”

“But pa says…”

Ma’s eyebrows scrunched like she smelled something rotten, and I knew I said too much. “I don’t want you talking about the surface again,” she said, clutching the pan, her voice raising. “You got a fine life down here. I don’t know why you both care so much about the one up above.” She slammed the pan down and I flinched a bit. She gets mad like that sometimes. But this time it only lasted for a second. “Now go feed the chickens, would you?”

“Yes ma’am,” I said, looking at the dirt on my shoes. She had a special way of making me feel small.

***

The chickens scurried away when I came in. Pa said there were once flocks of birds flying in the sky. Now all we got now were ugly chickens. They weren’t even really birds, they couldn’t fly. Sure, they tried, but they would only get a few feet up before falling back to the ground. I checked the coop: only two eggs. I looked at Lady. She wasn’t as fat as she used to be, and her feathers were getting loose. Even when she was young, she didn’t give us many eggs, now almost never. The others were getting old too. I overheard Ma talking to Pa about it a while ago. He said he was working harder to pay for another one. One that could give up a lot of eggs. Ma seemed excited about that.

I walked over to Lady. “You’re a lousy excuse for the chicken,” I said. She looked at me and clucked and I felt a bit bad. The other two were mean. I didn’t care for them much, but Lady was nice. Sometimes I would sit, and she would come and fall asleep in my lap. She was all nice and warm. She was Pa’s favorite too. I kneeled for a bit, while she lightly pecked at my hand. It tickled. But then I thought ma would be even more mad if I took too long. I didn’t like staying there too long anyway because then I would start thinking about how we’d probably have to eat Lady soon and I’d get sad about it.

When I came back in, Sissy was on her chair hitting the spoon against the table. She didn’t talk much. Ma was worried about that. She kept asking for Pa though.

She was little: two. I’m ten and a half. Mom took the eggs, and we ate. I think Ma was still mad, but she was trying to pretend she wasn’t. Sissy started crying because she was still hungry but there was nothing left. Ma gave her some of hers. I was still hungry too, but I didn’t want to make a fuss for Ma. She didn’t get to eat much either. Afterwards, I went to my room. I made sure Ma was sleeping and got onto my bed, shoving the covers over my face. I felt through my pockets. I turned on my tummy and grabbed the radio from under my bed. Pa said it was powerful. Powerful enough that it would reach him even at the surface, if I got close enough. He’d been trying to fix it and showed me how he was doing it, but then he left so now I have to fix it myself. It was like a big puzzle. I’m good at puzzles. I was trying to finish it quickly. I didn’t want to miss him calling.

I looked at the baubles I got. Some were all curly like pasta and others were round plastic ones. I remembered what Pa said he needed. I found a piece of metal. It was a rectangle, and had groves on it, and looked like a piece of candy. I messed with it a bit before finally fitting it into place. I just needed two more pieces. I laid back down and grabbed the sky from my pocket and looked at it. There was still blood on it, so I spit in my hand to wipe it off.

Pa said that kind of blue doesn’t exist down here. Even the blue of the sky he got me faded by the time he brought it back down for me. I wish I could see the blue up above. But Pa said I’m too young and I have to wait to go up with him. But he promised me he would take me one day. He said it goes on forever. I don’t think I could imagine anything so big. The cavern we live in is pretty big. It goes on for miles, but it ended eventually. Even the tunnels Pa works in ended eventually. I held onto the sky and felt the bumps on its surface until I fell asleep.

***

I dung in the junk pit the next day to find the final pieces. I was trying to not to get too dirty or Ma would smell it on me, then she would be mad again. It took me a while. I had to keep taking breaks because my stomach was sore. I found some more thingies, but none of them seemed right to me. I kept a few anyway. Sometimes I just liked looking at them, especially the shiny ones.

I kept looking until I heard people walking by, so I got down low. Runny nose was always around here, and I didn’t want to get beat up again. I also didn’t want the adults telling my Ma about me digging. From the voices I could tell it was Mrs. Val and Mrs. Miller, probably going to the market. Ma said the two of them were gossipers and I shouldn’t listen to things they say because most of the time they aren’t true. I was doing just that before I heard them say Pa’s name. They were just walking by, so I didn’t get much of what they said.

I heard them say his name and say it was “tragic.” I wasn’t sure what that word meant. I thought about asking Ma. They said, “it’s been too long.” Then they said something about black damps.

I remembered Pa talking about those. But he called them by a different name I couldn’t say or spell. It was cor…car… carbun mono-something. Pa had to sound it out for me. One of the neighborhood boy’s pa died from it a while back. Everybody around brought the boy’s ma sweets and casseroles. They said they were sorry. I don’t know what they were sorry for. But the boy’s Ma said thank you and everyone seemed to think it was okay then.

The miners talked about it too when they came to tell Ma that Pa went missing. They said it was the “unlikely cause.” They said there was probably a collapse, and he might be stuck somewhere. They said they would look for him. That was fourteen days ago. They didn’t know he was going to the surface.
I found the piece I was looking for afterwards. I tried looking for others but it was getting late and Ma was going to be mad so I left.

I made my way through Old Town, holding the sky and piece of metal I found in my hand. Some of the kids were out playing. Some of the ladies were out chatting and folding laundry. I took a long look at the Ball as I passed. My pa said that it was supposed to resemble the sun. The first time he told me that the only thing I could think was that it was pretty small to be the sun. The sun was supposed to be a big bright thing in the sky. This just looked like a small dull light shoved into the ceiling. Pa said it used to be bright but that was a long time ago. The ceiling was painted too, bright blue with clouds and everything. But you couldn’t tell that now. There were just small bits of blue around like a little kid’s scribbling. Most people don’t even know what it’s supposed to be. They just call it the Ball and the boys try to throw things up at it to see if they can hit it.

Mrs. Beth was standing in front of our house when I got home. She was our neighbor, and very old, much older than Pa and Ma were. She got confused a lot of the time. Sometimes she would start walking and then forget where she was. Then other times she would believe things that were silly. But then even weirder sometimes she seemed to be perfectly fine. Ma said it was part of her condition. I wasn’t sure what that meant but Ma said we should help her because she didn’t have a family to do that. She said that included me too. I didn’t really want to. She was nice enough but sometimes she was difficult too. I would try to help her, and she would just shoo me away. But sometimes she would look sad, and I felt bad about not wanting to help her. When I came up to her, her brow was all furrowed and she kept looking around, for something not there.

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Beth.” I said, remembering to be polite. She looked at me surprised.

“Hello, young man.”

“Can I help take you home?”

“Home…yes. I just seem to have gotten a bit lost.” she said, looking around.

“I know where it is. I can help you.”

She seemed to nod. So I held out my hand to lead her. She held it and then stopped.

She started looking around again. “What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I was looking for someone.”

“Looking for someone?”

“No…No…I was waiting for someone.”

I looked around, even though I was pretty sure no one was coming. “Well…I’m sure you can wait for them at home.”

She seemed unsure, before nodding. “Yes…yes you’re right.”

So, I led her home, sat her down in her chair and made sure she was all nice and comfy.

“Thank you.” she said. I turned to leave before she said, “If you see him coming, tell him I’m here.”

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, but I didn’t want to make her upset, so

I just nodded and left.

When I got back, I sat with Lady for a while. I giggled as she pecked at my hair. Then I went inside. Ma had gone out to get food with Sissy, so I just sat and worked on the radio for a while. When Ma came back, she didn’t have very many groceries. She didn’t say much and just asked me to watch Sissy while she worked on dinner. So, I did. I helped her stack her blocks up while she just shoved them over and giggled. We had soup but it really wasn’t soup. More like broth with a few veggies. Ma gave most of hers to Sissy. I tried to give some of mine to Ma, but she just refused. My stomach kept growling as I worked on the radio. I was getting close. Just one more piece. The radio was still in my hand when I woke up.

It was late. I heard something coming from the kitchen, so I peeked out of my door to see Ma standing there. She had a picture of pa in her hand. I couldn’t see her face with her back turned but I heard her whispering. “Why did you have to be so stupid?” She turned and tears were running down her face, which was weird because Ma doesn’t cry. I wasn’t sure she could. I didn’t know what to do other than stare at her. It was a strange thing, like watching a cat howl. She didn’t seem like my Ma. My ma always had a stern look on her face, like hard rock. Her face now was soft and wavering like a bunched-up cloth. She seemed more like a kid and I wasn’t sure what to do. So, I just stood there peeking through the gap in the door. Then I heard another sound. It was Sissy. She started to cry. Ma hadn’t noticed yet, so I sneaked into her and Pa’s room, where Sissy slept.

She was standing in her crib. Her face was all red and bunched up. She didn’t know many words but kept saying Pa over and over. She said it strangely though like the word was stuck in her mouth. I shushed her and held her up. I whispered in her ear. “Pa’s just in the sky.” No one else thinks that. But I know it. He’ll be back and he’ll take us there. We see a bunch of pretty birds. Maybe we’ll even learn to fly like one.”

I think that helped because she stopped crying and just started to grab at my hair. I let her pull on it for a while. I finally put her back into the crib and tiptoed out of the room before Ma came back.

***

I tried to be nice to Ma the next day. I did all my chores without complaining a bit. I watched over Sissy and made sure to give Ma a kiss on the cheek before I left, which she likes, but I’m embarrassed to do. She seemed happier and that made me feel better.

I decided to try extra hard to find the last piece, not only for Pa but for Ma and Sissy too. But I kept coming up with nothing.

***

It had been twenty days since pa left and I had spent hours in the junk heap looking but couldn’t find anything. I didn’t have much time anymore because Ma was working now, so I had to watch Sissy most of the time. I was feeling pretty bad about it, but when I got home, Ma was cooking. It smelled good, so good it made my stomach gurgle. Ma said It was meat. I got real excited and forgot about the radio. It had been months since we had meat. I ate it up fast. I wasn’t sure what it was. I wasn’t very good at telling the different kinds apart. When I asked Ma where she got it she made this weird face and then she didn’t say anything. She looked kind of sad but not sad for herself, sad for me. All she said was, “That she was getting old and wasn’t going to be of any use anymore.”

I didn’t know what she meant at first, but then I looked down at my plate. I realized then it was Lady and I started crying. I don’t really know why. She was just an ugly chicken. I guess I just felt bad knowing I ate her. Ma tried to calm me down saying she was old and I was growing and needed to eat more. But I just kept crying. Then my stomach started to hurt and I felt like it was Lady pecking in there, angry that I ate her. I just laid in my room for a while. Ma tried to come in but I told her to go away. After a while my eyes were all dry and crusty and I couldn’t cry anymore. I didn’t really care that my stomach was full. I’d just wish Lady were sitting in my lap, all nice and warm. I got pretty tired after that. I think I must have fallen asleep. I didn’t even get to work on the radio. The last thing I remembered was being sad Pa didn’t get to say goodbye to her either.

Ma didn’t say much the next morning. I think she knew I was still sad but didn’t know what to do about it. I did my chores quickly and left. Seven weeks passed, and I still couldn’t find the last piece. I still missed Lady a bunch, but I told Ma I forgave her and she hugged me for a long time.

It was fifty days since Pa left and I couldn’t fall asleep. I just needed to find the last piece. I tried to lay down and force my brain to shush but I just kept thinking about Pa waiting for me. I wasn’t supposed to leave the house this late, but I felt this couldn’t wait. I grabbed the sky and quietly snuck past Ma and Pa’s room. I stopped for a second to look in. Ma laid across the covers, her hair in a mess and I could see Sissy’s tiny toes peeking out through the blanket in her crib. I made my way out the door. I was getting close to the heap and stopped when I saw Mrs. Beth standing below, staring at the Ball. It was late and almost no one was around. She’d never usually go this far when she got lost and never this late.

I wasn’t sure what to do so I just walked up and stood next to her. She looked a bit creepy with just the Ball’s light on her, all pale and shallow like a ghost. I wasn’t sure she knew I was there until she spoke.

“It’s beautiful.” She was looking up at the ball.

I looked up at it too. I never really considered it beautiful. It was just a big dull light. But If I really squinted, I could imagine it being beautiful once.

“My pa said it’s supposed to resemble the sky,” I said, not knowing what else to say.

She smiled. “Mine said that too.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” She said, looked down at me for the first time.

“What’s that you’re holding?” She asked.

“Oh,” I looked down at the sky in my hand. “It’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing.”

“Um…I’m not really supposed to bring it around…”

“It’s alright. I won’t tell,” she said, with a wrinkled smile, like crumpled paper.

I held it up shyly. “It’s part of the sky.”

I thought she would laugh like Nosebleed or scold me like Ma. Instead, she just looked at it closely, her eyes were all red and wet. “It’s quite beautiful.”

I smiled. “My pa got it for me.”

“Hmm…must have worked real hard to get it.”

“He did. Took him weeks.”

“I imagine so.”

“He’s up there now.”

She kept her quiet smile. “Mine is too.”

“Really?” I said, surprised.

“Yes,” she said, nodding. “I remember it now. He went looking up there a long time ago.”

“Really? He made it?” I hadn’t heard of anyone else going to the sky. My pa said it was supposed to be a big secret how to get there.

“Yes, though not in the way he hoped.”

She looked sad for a minute. The shadows played on her face.

“What do you mean?”

“He made it. But I think he flew higher than he meant too. I think heaven was calling him.”

“I don’t understand.”

“My pa told me that this was supposed to represent the sun and the sky. But now I wonder if it was supposed to be heaven. It’s been so long since the people made it, maybe the people before us forgot what it was. Or maybe the sky and heaven are one in the same.” She seemed to get lost in thought.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

She looked back at me, and I think she had forgotten I was there.

“I waited for him for so long. Then I grew up and I was still waiting. I just kept looking up hoping I’d find him somewhere. Never really seeing that he was gone. Maybe I still don’t.”

“Don’t be like me,” she said, staring at me. She suddenly looked real tired and real old.

She looked at me with this sad look. I got really mad at that.

“My Pa’s not gone. He’s supposed to see the sky and come back down. He said he would come back for me. He promised me. My pa doesn’t break his promises.”

She just kept looking at me, like she was looking at a sad pup.

I started to feel this weird squeezing in my chest. I needed to go. I need to find Pa. So, I ran.

She called out to me, but I just kept going.

I saw it there, the last piece. It wasn’t there before. I still don’t know where it came from. It was a long wire that was just the right length and thickness. I found it sitting on top of the junk pile, like a gift. So, I grabbed it and held it tightly.

I ran home. I hadn’t been gone for a while. But there were lights on at the house. My stomach got a weird feeling. I came in and Ma was sitting at the table. She was just staring into nothing with Sissy at her feet.

She just was silent for a while, and I was too. I don’t really know why. I don’t think I wanted to hear her say anything. She finally looked at me. She spoke calmly. “The boys came around. They said he’s gone. They found damps in the tunnel he was working in. Said he couldn’t have survived.”

I just stared at her. Her words didn’t really make sense. I knew what they meant but it didn’t make sense. I sounded them out, but it felt all weird in my mouth.

I slowly went to my room and grabbed the radio. “Where do you think you’re going?” she said as I walked toward the door. Sissy started to cry and ran towards me. I just left and started running. Ma ran out and started yelling at me. I didn’t quite hear what she said. She might have even started running after me, but I didn’t look. I kept running and running and my lungs hurt and felt hot, but I didn’t care. I would show them. I was going to get him back.

I went to the entrance. It wasn’t blocked off or anything. No one wanted to be in there if they didn’t have too. The mines were mostly empty. I saw some men and they started yelling but just kept running. I wasn’t really thinking of where I was going. There were marks around but I didn’t look at them. I was just running. I finally stopped when my lungs ran out. I was breathing heavy as I attached the wire. It took me a bit to fit it because my fingers started shaking. I wasn’t sure where I was. There were black marks on the walls. Pa said I needed to be close to work.

I turned the knob. At first there was nothing. I felt my heart start beating fast. I could hear it in my chest. I kept moving around messing with all the dials, waiting for something. I don’t know how long I was down there. I started to feel real tired and dizzy. I thought of just laying down for a while, but I knew I couldn’t. Pa needed me. Nothing was working and I started to panic. I got angry and started yelling, I’m don’t remember what. I squeezed the sky in my hands, till my knuckles turned white, and threw it at the wall. It cracked and fell to the floor. I just stared at the pieces a while before I heard it.

It was this horrible screaky sound coming from the radio. It was all scratchy and I put my hands over my ears because it hurt. But there was something in the sound. It was a voice in the scratchiness. It was pa. His voice cut in and out like he was drowning in it. I screamed at him. I yelled at him to come home. I yelled that I didn’t care for the sky anymore, I just wanted him back. Tears flowed down my face and kept screaming. At least, I think I did but I couldn’t really hear it anymore as the fuzziness filled my ears. Then I stopped. I couldn’t yell anymore. I felt there was nothing left in my throat. I didn’t even move the nobs, but a soft melody started to play, like a lullaby. I think I heard it before.

I think it was heaven calling.

---

Sarah Banaszek is a Munster High School alum and award-winning creative writer.